Sooner or later, everyone gets to the point in their travels when the thought of having to stay in a hostel gives them the shakes. You long for the silky pillows and freshly washed sheets of a Hilton, or the tiny bottles of shampoo and welcoming smiles of a Holiday Inn. And if the thought of hanging out with young people in an enclave that’s purposely built for fun and adventure fills you with dread, you might just be at that age. Still not sure? Here are some sure-fire signs you’re too old to stay in a hostel…
1. You walk through the hostel door and the guy behind the desk looks like he needs a babysitter.
2. The “What’s On” board looks like a laundry list of never-wanna-dos and you wonder why there’s not a showing of the latest “Law & Order.”
3. The first person you meet uses words like “on fleek” and “squad” and prompts you for a mysterious backward handshake. They’re too cool, just too cool.
4. You’re in bed by 9:30 p.m., when someone suggests going out for a few drinks.
5. You lie awake because people are partying and it’s midnight. MIDNIGHT, PEOPLE.
6. There’s a lot of babble about the difference between being a tourist and being a backpacker and it makes you want to put a campfire out with your face.
7. The top bunk may as well be Mount Kilimanjaro for the effort it’ll take you to get up there.
8. Backward hats and Hawaiian shirts everywhere. Everywhere.
9. You don’t recognize a single song that’s playing at the hostel bar and it’s so loud. Why is it so loud?
10. You wake up at 11 a.m. and the hostel is a deserted wasteland.
11. After a night out, you crunch the numbers trying to figure out how you can save better to afford a hotel room.
12. You leave the shower feeling dirtier than before. And there are strangers walking in. Can I just get five minutes to myself?
13. You try to have sympathy for their young people problems, but it just seems creepy.
14. You’d give everything you own for 10 minutes in a private bathroom.
15. Bunk bed sex not only seems difficult, it seems uncomfortable. And dangerous. Why would you? Why?
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Main image: iStockphoto/Joel Carillet